My Superpower is Hope.

coffeebowls
Sometimes, it has to be coffee. Large, unseemly bowls of mocha on a Winter’s morning, in fact.

I fell down a rabbit hole there. I’ve been writing hard, and keeping late hours, (when I read like a fiend). The Moon-girl is away on music camp, so my rhythms become less…child-friendly.

Writing this obsessively, exhaustively, brings me a deep sense of peace, and it’s where I need to be, (in fact, for me it’s a cure for most everything).* But it can also bring on a bubbling, manic mind, and fits of melancholy.

You know the kind of melancholy? Where a body has to go striding across the moors on a cold day in a long skirt, wild of hair, and gibbering to oneself? Until of course, the absurdity of it all had me in giggles, (because the French Lieutenant’s Woman, I ain’t). I’m a near 45 year old woman in desperately bad track pants.** But this does mean I get to sheepishly enjoy the whole wild caricature of myself.

Anyway, sometimes the real and imaginary blur to the point where the “real” world seems like a strange and achey place in which to live.

lanagan

But the thing is, I love people. So, there’s the rub in my rabid instinct for all that’s solitary. And the need for both is a kind of emotional ecosystem I need to constantly balance. Also, the whole point of the writing is, I realised, not for an audience, (because when I think of it that way, I simply stop writing); but for people. That ache for connection, and the whole damned caring what happens. To everyone.

I’ve often wished that my superpower was invisibility. And I’ve had conversations with my nearest and dearest, who are (understandably) baffled by my intensely private impulse to keep my blog extreeeeemely low-key. My wish to be utterly invisible. I even joked about how I should write an online course on How to Deflect Traffic from you Blog.

Because I know how to do this!*** Although in all seriousness, I think this way of blogging is in fact stupendously rewarding due to the kindreds who gather and bother to read me. I honestly feel as though I would happily invite you in for a cuppa and a well-met-by-moonlight slice of cake. Which is saying something, because my home is my inner sanctum.

lazy
Although, if you popped over to mine, you’d have to put up with these two seat-hoggers.

Anyway, invisibility. Yes. There are reasons for this. A big reason is what Mel says, (because it’s often the case that I feel as though she’s been in my head – because fellow introvert n’stuff).

Essentially, I too find it hard that people in my Real Life read my blog. There’s something tender and raw about that feeling. Mostly I can sit with that these days, but at other times I feel something akin to panic. And I run.

This is despite the fact that apart from perhaps one or two individuals who I no longer see, who turn up here only to seek out some kind of schadenfreude****, there are others who I am beyond delighted to have here. Even silently. It feels like an invisible support. An abiding with, and seeing me in a way that’s possibly quite tricky beyond this written realm. I’ve come to see it that way now, anyway. I hold myself carefully in person. I seem cold and aloof, but I’m far from this. I love deep and long.

But back to superpowers. However much I want mine to be invisibility, I think that’s a possibly selfish desire. And it’s also possibly one that’s arisen from a need to lick my wounds.

Because my real superpower is hope. Hopefulness.

I’m an optimist, and I believe, unashamedly, in magic. Hopefulness is a form of magic. And this hopefulness has stayed with me, even though at times it’s been a faint ember. It’s flickered weakly in the ashes, amidst a fair dollop of darkness, and death-preoccupied despair. In the past, I’ve held onto hope tightly during the touch-and-go hours, days, and weeks. Sometimes months. There were times it was nearly extinguished. Somehow hope stayed alight. You give it a little of what it needs, and it grows.

We need hope right now, don’t we?

We get up every morning. Perhaps we make a cup of tea. We trudge through our losses, our fears and worries. The terrible news that seems like a cruel joke, and an earth, in all its fierce intelligence and knowing that is not-so-silently weeping at our continued assault.

We scramble, and scratch, and try to survive. We lose those we love, and wonder wtf this life is about.

But if we look at this savage sweet existence, we see around us much to be hopeful for.  It’s there, teeming in the pulse and desire, carnal or otherwise, of every soul.  The birth of a child, an abandoned animal adopted, love imagined; a forest planted. Forgiveness – which I once thought weak and religiously laden, is in fact a sword that cuts a swathe through everything. Everything.

And there are those who need words of encouragement, and kindness, and we can’t be blind to that. We need to show ourselves, and not be isolated. Not remain invisible and withdrawn.

A generous word, being able to see the beauty in another, and recognising their super-powers – this is the hope and beauty we can easily grow. It has power. It makes real what we can so easily dismiss as mere ideas, or sneer at as useless idealism. Idealism isn’t actually a bad punt, right now.

It’s not hard to offer an encouraging word. It doesn’t cost us a thing. Then there’s a cascade of kindness, compassion. Respect for difference. And hope.

So every day, we trudge on, fearing that it’s all gone to hell in a hand-basket. But we can make something: a piece of art, or music, a loaf of bread. We can love our peoples hard, (all creatures included here). We can plant something. My giddy aunt! Do plant something. Then tomorrow, plant another thing. A tiny seed in a seed tray. A dream. Watch the earth creep back and reclaim what sustains us all.

There are those of us who sit here quietly watching, and hoping that the dreams of others will grow. I want to see others, (even if that sounds creepy, which it probably does). I want to see what they create – that feeds my hopefulness. For not just myself. But for my child, your children – literal or otherwise – and for a future and all its creatures. Seeing a web of hopes weave themselves together. Nothing is lost. Nothing’s for nothing.

It all matters. I refute those who say it’s nothing.

And today I was exhausted, but I remembered how much I love people. And I thought about many of you. And I rested, drank some tea, and I wished you all well and cared for.

I hope that you are making things that give you hope.

xx

 

 

*although the cure is also possibly the disease.

**I don’t buy “exercise wear”, so I often walk/run about in ye olde gardening gear. Which is quite dire. But nobody has run away from me. Yet.

***Don’t worry, I won’t be offering anything like this. But I consider myself an expert in avoiding popularity, and search engine rankings : )

****a big reason I no longer see them. If you look in someone’s eyes, and they are incapable of saying a kind word to you, and they wear a hundred masks – you know it’s a lost cause. I now know that schadenfreude, (a joy in the misfortunes, unhappiness, or the pain of others) is born of a deep insecurity and damaged self-image. A soft, hurt, unkind thing. One that seeks to prop itself up with a false sense of superiority. I could write a whole post on schadenfreude, but not right now. I’d rather focus on hope and generosity, and send peace to those who can’t be generous toward others.

12 thoughts on “My Superpower is Hope.

  1. “I even joked about how I should write an online course on How to Deflect Traffic from you Blog.”

    -smile- This is possibly the only way, to be free to blog, what one wishes… By being nearly unknown. By making that place, feel private. Even though it isn’t really thus….

    The very opposite of the usual drive… To have zillions of *Followers* (silly word!) and zillions of comments. Because with zillions of such, comes the creeping feeling of having to write-to-and-for-them. Ugh…..

    And after a bit of feeling cyber stalked…..

    I think I have quietly found my place……..

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    1. I wholeheartedly agree, Tessa. I do feel a greater sense of freedom when I feel as though I’m slipping under the radar. Some years ago now, this blog was getting very “busy” with traffic, and a little beyond me. I had to disappear for at least a couple of years in order to regain my equilibrium. Having returned, I’m much more comfy here, now.

      I’m very glad you’ve found your place too : ) xx

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  2. all this—yes. yes. a very welcome post today…

    i always feel that if i stop *reaching out*, if i cease to feel and care and want to help, then i may as well be dead. introvert though i am, i too love people, and (true to my “type”) i want only two things out of life: to be of service, to heal, to help, which is how i love; and to be loved.

    i have jokingly said that my superpower is love…those meditations in which one is directed to imagine someone who has hurt you or who is not at all a good person, by any estimation? those come easily. if donald trump turned up on a table for reiki, i could do that, with sincerity and empathy. (which is saying something, as i recently referred to him as the “apricot fluffernutter aspiring dictator racist thugmonkey” in a chat, and i think of trump as a sort of antichrist figure in general…) but hope is something i’ve had trouble holding onto in the past. so i particularly admire that superpower…

    and i couldn’t agree more that what we need as individuals and as a world is more softness, kindness, more forgiveness, more reaching out, more making, more planting, and…well…more love and hope and joy.

    ps—i wouldn’t mind at all sharing a chair with merlin and/or miggins. not in the least! and your track pants wouldn’t put me off…much of my time is spent in more-or-less tatty yoga pants. it’s not pretty! 🙂

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    1. I’m with you utterly: “i always feel that if i stop *reaching out*, if i cease to feel and care and want to help, then i may as well be dead”. It can be tempting, at times, when one feels everything, (in empathy overdrive), to shut that down for a bit. But then there’s the risk of deadening to love, and all the possibilities of connection.

      Love is the most beautiful of all superpowers : )

      Oh, and please do drop by! You are always moste welcome here at Rapunzel’s. Particularly since I don’t need to warn you about Merlin – you already know the terrible truth ; ) xx

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  3. Antoinette, you have a true talent for writing how I’m feeling, and so much better than I ever can. Yes, that constant push-pull between wanting to be out among people, which I do love…for a while, and hibernating and not wanting to leave the house because…well, the world is big and loud and tiring. My poor blog is very neglected, and moving to a small town where people I know might read it has probably contributed to that. Easier to write epistles to the ether when most of the people who read and comment are ghostly beings who live on another continent, when the city around me was mostly faceless and community was a distant dream. I never had to worry about whether my actual physical self, my everyday personality (and my actions), matched the person in the blogposts. Someone in my new town told me that they were very surprised by my artwork on my website, because it didn’t match the person I seemed to be. That still unsettles me…what am I doing wrong that my 2 sides don’t match up?! Who were they expecting and how disappointed were they? Silly, but there you have it.

    I wish I could be more of an optimist…despair in the behaviour of humans sometimes flattens me completely and I want to hide. And I don’t know what I can possibly do to make any difference. I’m not a activist/revolutionary/courageous type. But you’re right, we mustn’t withdraw, we must keep listening, bearing witness, and being kind whenever we can. The quiet voices must be heard, compassion, beauty, respect. Thank you for reminding me that there is something I can do.

    And BTW, thank you for the link to Mel’s blog, she sounds like me, and I now have a new word to describe myself, a ‘scanner’. ‘Renaissance Woman’, or ‘polymath’ sounds so much more romantic, but I think ‘scanner’ is a more realistic description, I’m rather more of a half-baked/failed polymath I think, a bit scattered/scatty with never-ending, never-finished ideas/projects. Now I know I’m not alone!

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    1. Christina, I well understand living and blogging in a small town. I never told anyone of my blog when I lived in my former town, not even close friends, but still I was discovered. This rattled me no end. Even though I realise that if you put yourself on the internet, it’s hardly a way to remain completely private. Oh well.

      I don’t think what you’re saying about our different sides not matching is silly at all. It’s interesting when others assume us to be a certain way, and then their surprise when their assumptions don’t align with what they read, (or what we create in general). I suppose I find those attitudes a little naive, or maybe a bit unimaginative (?) simply because we’re all so complex that it seems odd not to expect hidden depths, and beauty, and strange magic in each person.

      And you’re most welcome for the link to Mel. She’s magic. xx

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  4. somebody pass me a hanky.

    *deep breath*

    all of this. as you know. all of it. i want to reach out and give you the biggest, bear-huggiest, squeeze.

    i wish i could say i loved all people, because i really don’t. but the people i love, i love ferociously so that’s something.

    thank you, beautiful soul…for being in the world and staying the course. all of the quiet corners added up together make a lovely big ripple, don’t you think?

    and i’m laughing at the traffic-deflecting class because i’d totally take it!! i’m still firmly in the grip of abject terror at resuming my bloggy efforts…but i shall persevere for The Cause. 🙂 and you’re right — one possible up-side of Someone I Know reading is that they could see me as they normally wouldn’t…i’m such a fragmented, compartmentalized creature and my blog is one place i feel able to let my bits show. so to speak. 🙂

    so much love to you! xoxoxo

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    1. Ah Mel. I don’t always succeed in loving all of the people, all of the time. At all. Perhaps I’m better at loving Humanity from a bit of a distance. Being a big picture kind of person. And you’re right about the quiet corners adding up to something – that’s my most fervent focus, these days. What I can do, daily, in my tiny corner of the world.

      And yes to letting our bits show! My word. We could get quite daring, couldn’t we? Although for me, that might look like a very tame sort of comic burlesque. It’s mostly my garden bits that are on show ; )

      lotsa love to you. xx

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